Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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