I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
