i need an iv and a liver transplant
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pants are for mortals
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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