I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
