is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
