The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
