How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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