As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
