I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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