this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
