I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
