Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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