So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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