I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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