We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
