if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
