And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
