made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
