So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
