i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
