Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
