i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
