ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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