How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
