Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
