I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
