Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
