Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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