I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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