Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
