i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
