Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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