before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's blow job season.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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