What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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