Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
