Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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