i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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