i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
