Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
