The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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