why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
