my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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