I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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