I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
