You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
