Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
