I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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