either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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