Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
