Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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