i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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