Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
