ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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