There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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